How to be a long distance father? When dads stop seeing their child for longer periods of time, due to divorce or work, they often don’t have a clue about how to parent from afar.
I have experienced this myself, when I became a long distance father to a daughter who lived more than 1,000 miles away. I didn’t have any prior parenting experience and wondered how to make it successful.
Although there are several websites about long distance parenting, few distinguish between the challenges faced by distance dads and distance mums, even though the issues they face are very different.
Combining the information I found online, along with my own creativity and common sense, I developed a strategy that has worked well for me, my daughter, and her mum.
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How To Be A Long Distance Father?
Are you a dad finding it tough to keep a strong connection with your child because of divorce or distance?
These 25 tips, activities, and ideas helped me build and keep a meaningful and strong relationship with my child.
I’m sharing them with the hope they’ll support you in becoming the best long distance father you want to be.
Let’s start
Distance can pose significant challenges to a long distance father.
A well-crafted long-distance parenting plan can help you keep a strong connection with your children. As well as it can help avoid conflicts between you and the mother.
It is a parenting agreement that solidifies the rights of a child to contact with both parents. Or the non-custodial dad’s rights.
Creating a parenting plan and visitation schedule can offer stability. As well as, clarity, and peace of mind for both your child and yourself.
Tip! Make sure it has a flexible cancellation policy for circumstances which are out of your control. This will guarantee that your child and you will always have the possibility to reschedule missed visits and online meetings.
If you want to know more about how to make a parenting plan, check this page:
Once agreed upon, it is important for your child to follow the visitation schedule consistently.
Consider it a real job where you can not afford to be late or miss a meeting.
If you do not follow the agreement, you will disappoint your child.
Do not try to change too much, as you risk paying a high price for it. In some situations, this offers a non-cooperative mother the opportunity to use it against you.
You can jeopardize your accountability as a long distance father in a court procedure.
Tip! While online calendars and shared calendars are practical for every day use. A visitation agreement is written on paper. Visualizing it will give you a better picture of what the custody agreement will mean for you in real-life.
Tip! Let your smartphone calendar remind you at several occasions before the meeting will take place. This way you will automatically train your brain what’s coming.
Keep regular communication with your child’s mother if possible.
Never communicate with the mother through your child. This would place your child in a loyalty conflict, which is harmful. On top of that, your child would be confronted with adult information and decisions.
You do not have to become friends with the mother to communicate well. Just like you can communicate with many other people who are not your friends.
If the relationship with the mum is friendly. This is a huge advantage for the child, as the parents can discuss anything.
Tip! If the relationship is strained, communication can be restricted to the minimal. But keep the lines open at all times. If only for the well-being and safety of your child.
Preferably use email to communicate with the mother. Allow yourself time to reread on what you have written before sending it. Words written in an emotional state can be very powerful.
After rereading, ask yourself if you still feel as strongly, or if it was a moment of rage. This forces you to stay factual in your communication and not get lost in emotional battles.
Tip! If you are in a high-conflict situation, the phone should be avoided at all costs. Besides, with email you will have written proof of all communication.
If communication with the mother is difficult, try using business-like communication skills to avoid emotional triggers.
Try to avoid discussions altogether. Email is a good discussion blocker, especially if you formalize your emails.
Tip! Use “I” statements to express how you feel or think about something. Avoid the word “you” because it can backfire. I used a simple “template” in which I always started and ended an email politely. This helped me contain my anger and frustrations in my messages.
What if transitions at the mother’s home repeatedly lead to conflict? For example, because the physical presence of both parents creates tension.
Tip! Then you can arrange for transitions to take place in a neutral location. Or the child is transferred from one parent to the other by a third neutral person.
If this can avoid a stressful situation for your child, it’s more then worth it.
If conflict arises, take a step back from it and try to schedule a discussion at a calmer time. When emotions are high, it is the worst time to try to talk sense into someone.
Besides, you do not know what is going on in the life of the other. Perhaps you are not the reason for the conflict. But you triggered the emotion that is part of the true reason.
If you really can’t solve it, try Alternative Dispute Resolution (ADR) ways, like as Mediation. This can save you a lengthy and costly court battle.
Tip! Sometimes, it is best to do and say nothing.
Support the mother’s decisions in front of your child, to keep consistency and stability. Even if you don’t agree with them.
This can be very difficult. Especially if you and the mum have different opinions about parenting or religious or cultural differences.
Though for your child, it’s important that there is one front. Otherwise, there is a risk that the child will use one parent against the other.
Tip! This doesn’t mean that you can’t have rules of your own, when your child is with you. You can explain to your child that some rules are different during visits. Imagine that there are many occasions, where your child has to obey to other rules than home, like as in kindergarten or school.
Avoid speaking negatively about the mum in front of your child, as it can be harmful.
Tip! If this is difficult for you. Don’t start talking about her to your child, and if your child does, either respond neutrally or be positive. Be careful with this because young children are very sensitive and can feel it when you don’t mean something.
Children are very curious by nature, and this offers many opportunities to bond for a long distance father.
Young children need to discover the world around them. And you have the privilege to bring them into contact with all these new things and experiences.
Imagine it as a safari, where you are the guide. Showing your child all the adventurous places and protecting them while exploring new boundaries.
Tip! Whatever your child wants to investigate, give it your support. Children often have a sudden obsession with something, and then it’s gone as quickly as it came.
Regularly schedule phone calls or video chats to keep strong communication with your child.
Tip! With modern technology, you can keep your child engaged during video calls. This, by creating personalized TV programs or playing educational games together.
If you are interested in learning how to make video calls with your child more engaging, check this page:
When visiting your child, make each outing an adventure. Explore a variety of playgrounds, zoos, or amusement parks to create memorable moments and experiences.
You can give your child many “first times”. Like going on a plane or going on a horse for the first time.
Tip! Before physical visits, collaborate with your child to create a program and give them options to choose from. Get creative with videos and images.
As a long distance father, time is valuable. If you are visiting your child or having a video call meeting, give unconditional presence.
By showing interest in what your child has to say. And listening actively by asking questions. You give them reassurance and validation.
With many hugs and verbal expressions of love, you can offer emotional safety to your child.
Tip!When video calling I always ask my daughter what was the nicest thing that happened to her on that day. Or what was the nicest someone did for her, or what she did for someone else.
Your child will love it if you surprise them with fun gestures like sending cards or small gift boxes. Not just around holidays, but especially when it is unexpected.
It does not have to be big or expensive. It is more like a “thinking of you” gift.
Be aware that your child’s preferences change over time. If you are considering an expensive gift, you can just ask your child.
Tip! If you are on a budget, try returned items from Amazon or second-hand stores.
Rather than purchasing gifts, try getting creative and crafting your own.
This approach gives you the opportunity to create something deeply personal and tailored to your child’s preferences.
The act of making a gift by hand is deeply fulfilling. Because it empowers you to infuse your creation with love, making it far more meaningful than something bought with money.
Tip! Collect any packaging material, like as cardboard, paper and bottles, which you can use for arts and crafts.
Pay attention to the presentation of your gifts to your child. The reception and unwrapping of presents account for 50% of the joy for children.
It is important to try to get nice packaging for your gifts. Wrapping paper does not have to be expensive while it doubles the overall experience.
Tip! If this is difficult for you. Try to have it wrapped at the store where you bought the gift or ask a friend for help.
Instead of buying a gift. Consider taking your child to a store as a surprise and letting them choose their own gift.
It does not have to be a material gift. It can also be an experience, like choosing a restaurant or amusement park.
From the moment my daughter spoke, I would always give her options to choose from. This way, I ensured we always had a fun time.
Tip! If it is your priority, as a long distance father, to be with your child and make them happy. Then pick some options that you both like and let your child make the final choice. This way you can also guarantee that you will stay within your budget.
Even as a long distance father you can stay involved in your child’s life. One way is by keeping track of school results, important activities, and events in your child’s life.
This way, you show your child that you care.
Tip! Learn all the names of your child’s closest friends, teachers, neighbors, or anybody who is important in your child’s life. By talking about one of these people, you can learn a lot about your child’s daily life.
Create social connections for your child by getting to know their friends’ parents so that you can arrange play dates.
Tip! In my situation, I mostly visited my daughter in her country, where I did not have a social network. By actively visiting several playgrounds each day. I gradually got to meet one other long distance father with a child of my child’s age. And then another one. Through the years, we have established friendships and celebrate birthdays together.
Tip! Another thing I did was open a Facebook group in that city for parents with bilingual children like mine. This group has also brought me into contact with another long distance father, who we are friends with as well.
Especially as your child grows older, it is important to respect their privacy. And to avoid pushing for information that they are not be comfortable sharing.
This is a tough one, for a long distance father, who is hungry for information about his child’s life. As I have experienced recently. It’s quite shocking when you see your child turning into a preteen with a new attitude and personality.
And what if your child goes online? I guess it’s the same as when your child goes to a park. Until now, I have managed to shield my daughter from the internet. She can passively use apps that I selected and watch Netflix, but not interact with anybody.
Tip! We should make our children aware of the risks out there on the streets and online. Before we can truly give them privacy. They should be resilient enough to protect themselves.
Being a long distance father is not cheap. To guarantee physical visits, strict budgeting and smart planning are important. If you need to fly, see if you can buy cheap tickets in advance.
Most airlines have air miles programs, which can give you access to the lounge. This can save you a lot of money on airport expenses. Some airlines offer credit cards to their customers, allowing you to earn miles and pay in monthly installments.
Tip! Do not buy your presents right before the visit or, even worse, at the airport. Start collecting them right after your last visit. This way, you do not feel any pressure to buy. If you just keep your eyes open, you can buy excellent gifts that happen to be on discount.
Be realistic about the challenges of being a long distance father. Show grace to yourself for doing your utmost best. The fact is that your child and you will spend only limited time together, compared to most other dads.
Your role is to support your child complementary to what it gets from the mother. A responsibility, which should not be underestimated.
Consider that there are many married men who work 80 hours a week and never spend time with their children. And remember that it is not about the quantity but the quality of time together that matters.
Tip! If you can be fully involved with your child when meeting in real life or online. Then you can leverage a huge amount of quality as a long distance father.
As a long distance father it’s key to be flexible. This is a challenge because every visit is planned way ahead. Though it is always possible that unexpected things can happen.
The outbreak of the COVID epidemic was a huge challenge for each long distance father. How do you keep connected when you are not allowed to travel or even touch your child?
During COVID, my child and I had more frequent video calls, and I sent a gift box each week.
Of course, those were exceptional circumstances, which we will hopefully only experience once in a lifetime.
Tip! A healthy attitude is to always be prepared for the unexpected and flexible and creative in finding solutions.
Just like it is important to be flexible, it’s also important to be patient as a long distance father. Give your child time to make the transition at the start and end of a visit.
Be patient with the mother. Even if she does not give you the information you need at the time when you ask for it. Information can be used as a weapon against you. Especially, if you show that you are starving for it.
Tip! In my experience, the less you ask for information, the more information you get in the end.
One of the benefits of being a long distance father is, that you have free time.
Enjoy the fact that you have time for hobbies. That you can go on adventures when your child is with the other parent. Take time to relax and recharge.
You are not a 24/7 parent, so you do not have to behave like one.
As a long distance father myself, I think several times a day about my daughter, but in a loving way. I think that’s fine. I trust that she is in the good care of her mum, and I am never concerned about her.
Tip! Whatever your situation is. It is important that you allow yourself time to blow off steam and shift your mindset at times.
Final Thoughts on How To Be A Long Distance Father
Being a long distance father presents quite a few challenges
From setting up visitation and video call or phone schedules to fostering a meaningful connection with your child despite physical separation.
However, with the right approach and a positive mindset, it’s possible to overcome many obstacles and develop and maintain a strong bond with your child.
By implementing the above proven tips, engaging activities, and creative ideas, you will be able to deal with the complexities of being a long distance father with confidence and resilience.
From creating a solid parenting plan to fostering open communication and conflict management, every step taken contributes to building a stronger connection with your child.
Remember, being a long distance father requires patience, flexibility, and a willingness for all parties to adapt. By prioritizing your child’s well-being and maintaining consistency in your interactions, you can create a nurturing environment that transcends distance.
In conclusion, while long-distance fathering may present its challenges, it also offers opportunities for growth, connection, and shared experiences. By embracing these opportunities and staying committed to building a strong relationship with your child, you can navigate this journey with confidence and create lasting memories along the way.
I hope this post has provided valuable insights on how to be a long distance father and that it will help you on your fathering journey.
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